End of Summer lessons, struggles, creative blocks & gratitude.
As a founder and creator, I never know how much is ‘too much’ to share with you all. We want the people we buy products from to be doing well, always, so that we can live vicariously through them, or aspire to achieve that lifestyle. But, I’m going to share a few insights into my summer with you that might prompt a more genuine conversation.
Or, let's pretend my whole summer looked like this... Nah? Be real? Okay...
I’ve been struggling with creative blocks all summer. I’ve felt so disconnected from the energy and passion that usually fuels my ideas, and to be completely frank, it’s fucking sucked. For context, I sublet my flat at the beginning of June and decided to be nomadic for summer. I had dreams of being away all summer long, spending my usual rent money on travel and living a life of adventure, inspiration and creativity, working from faraway beaches or mountains. Perhaps, wrapped up in the arms of a new lover in the sun, soaking in oxytocin filled bliss? ❣️
The reality of my summer was a little bit of the above, but mostly it was spending time with family, working hard and living in the countryside near our first cabin. I’ve spent over three months living out of two small suitcases - sometimes being on holiday, sometimes staying at my brother’s and sometimes crashing with friends. Which has essentially left me feeling a little burnt out. I travelled all through June and a little in August, but I travelled less than expected due to a client’s ever demanding needs. Expecting a lull over summer, we actually experienced our busiest ever period [read, most stressful period]. Without a solid base, and without any real stability I have felt my spark slowly wither into something that more resembles a muddy puddle. Dirty brown water that you wouldn’t want to stick your hand into to pull anything out.
Artwork from Ellie Hopley
Which is such a shame, because I met some gorgeous humans this summer and felt inspired by their presence in my life. And some new connections have pushed me to feel more and recognise myself more. So while I’ve been inspired by others, felt more and been more in touch with myself than ever, I also feel disconnected from my creativity and my source of energy. I think because a lot of my energy was also diverted away from Re, I lost the excitement that I usually have to ‘turn up for work’, which in turn left me with less energy to throw into Re when I did have the time.
I’ve been listening to podcasts on the science of creativity and it’s encouraged me not to feel put out by my lack of creativity, and not be so hard on myself for not producing. But I’ll be honest, when I can’t reach my flow state for a whole summer, feelings of numbness, despair and criticism creep into my consciousness. Comparison that while everyone else seems to be creating, I seem to be stagnating. There’s the added pressure that I make a living through being creative. There’s fear that if I don’t find it again, I won't be relevant to my clients, to my guests, to anybody - and I’ll stop being able to earn money.
It’s a horrible feeling being cut off from what you love. And it’s a lesson that I did this to myself. I chose to give up my home for summer. And I chose to sublet my home to people that didn’t feel quite right. I welcomed change into my life, because I was bored. And did it work out? Honestly, I had some great experiences this summer, but mostly I worked really hard. And at the end of the working day, I couldn’t relax in the way I wanted to, because I wasn’t in my home. I had to slot into a hectic family lifestyle that is very alien to the day-to-day life that I usually live in London.
Toddlers, teenagers, cats, dogs and my siblings (a little bit busier than my normal life).
Before I left London I used to tell people that my flat felt like a prison. A very cosy prison, don’t get me wrong. But metaphorically I felt trapped in a routine that I couldn’t decide if I wanted or not. Largely working from home, alone, I asked myself if I could do all the same work from a beach. I convinced myself that I could, and so I made some drastic changes. I sublet my flat and moved all of my things out to my parents, packed a bag and booked a month’s worth of travel.
The first month was pure bliss - filled with yoga retreats, foreign weddings, solo Italian adventures and Glastonbury. I felt so rejuvenated and hungry for more travel and more peace. But, during this month off (which had been planned for a long time), our biggest client threw a tonne more work at us. Great, yes. But also, not great. I needed the break, genuinely exhausted from the first 8 months of Re. My business partner encouraged me to take it off still anyway, that he would hold down the forte. But while I was away, nagging guilt kept coming for me that he was drowning in work and that I had abandoned him. I came back after Glastonbury to a very stressed, very overworked Co-Founder - and that guilt cemented itself.
I decided to stay put for a while so I could take over and share the workload with him. Which meant that I didn’t do a few things that I was really excited for this summer. Like a psychedelic retreat in Amsterdam 👀. Like exploring other cabins through Germany 🛖. I ended up instead living just outside of London with my brother and his family, near the cabin so I could also pop in for bits there, as well as manage our design clients. It meant that I spent my time darting in and out of London for design clients and cabin work. A commute that involved driving, walking, trains and tubes… I felt like I was being pulled in every direction, while my heart was still trying to pull away towards some sunny beach somewhere. My eye has literally been twitching for over a month… sigh.
3 months later, and with the best intentions for an exciting summer, I can tell you that it didn’t really pan out. I’ll admit that I had hoped for more. And I’ll be honest and tell you that I wish I’d never given up my base.
I WISH I'd done more of this.
The thing I want more than anything in the world is to be back in my home, with my two cats. I want to be able to touch my things that have been in boxes for the last three months. I want to look at my art that I lovingly curated over the years. And I want to listen to my record collection while watching the sunset on my balcony. I move back to my flat this weekend and I’m really looking forward to a new beginning in my prison - I mean home ❣️.
It’s interesting because I’ve always thought of myself as adventurous and able to go with the flow pretty easily. The thing that I thought held me back in life, seems to be the thing that actually I crave the most. Comfort and stability. I’ve been chasing adventure and exploration so hard that I totally overlooked the value of quiet contentment. Comfort, stability and (dare I say it without being hailed a crazy cat lady) even the love and affection I feel from my cats are all things that make my nervous system settle into a place where I feel safe and can create and find purpose. I wanted to change my life because I felt bored. But actually, most of my good ideas happen when I’m bored, not when I’m distracted by a million and one things. So often we see boredom as an unhelpful and undesirable state of being. But actually, our mind’s need to wander is critical for creativity and mental health.
But really, how often do you truly allow yourself to be bored? How far away is your phone from you at any given moment? How reflexively do you open and close instagram or tik tok? How often is TV on ‘in the background’. A study found that 74 percent of Americans feel uneasy leaving their phones at home, 71 percent check their phones within the first 10 minutes of waking up, and 47 percent consider themselves “addicted” to their phones. I imagine the numbers are similar for us Brits. Shocking percentages of us reach for the phone during activities such as driving, dating, and even while in the bathroom.
Artwork from Ellie Hopley
Because I use my phone for work, running various social media accounts, my habit of ‘just checking’ each account has gotten out of hand. I self-impose media breaks, but every time I do, we stop receiving bookings or new clients. And sure, I could plan our content in advance to post without me needing to monitor it. But something about that feels a bit fraudulent. A little in-authentic. I personally hate posting pictures of sunny skies if it’s actually raining. I don’t like communicating with our community in a way that doesn’t make them feel like we’ve paid attention to what's happening today. Not what we think or hope might happen today. I don’t want to schedule content and then another world tragedy happens the same day. We live in an era of conflict, and our community is all about connection. I don’t want to pre-plan my connection with our community or my connection with the product.
But, I know I need to draw clearer boundaries with work, and with my phone. I need to allow myself more ‘me time’ so that I can nurture the parts of me that need nurturing. And so that I can allow myself to be bored. So that I can allow myself to create. Constant deadlines, and to-do lists are crippling my creativity. I haven’t had the room to breathe, to rest or to reflect for a while now. I’d really like to book a break for myself, and I’m thinking that what I really need to decompress after a hectic summer is some time away in a cabin. (I’m not saying that to make you book our cabin - I’m just being real about what I’m craving!!) I love visiting other people’s cabins, other places where you can feel the positive vibrations of the landscape around you, and the care that someone has put in to create a special environment for you.
Other learnings:
A couple of things that I’ve really let slide this summer - and I know it’s impacted my mental health and my energy levels. I didn’t have a quiet place to do yoga all summer. So I stopped doing yoga. I injured my knee and was advised to stop running. So I stopped running. The two things that normally clear my mind and give me energy for the day were two things I either neglected or couldn’t do. It’s crazy how much exercise shifts negative energy. Being less tapped into somatic release and flowing endorphins has (I think) played a big part in my lack of creativity.
I tried and tried this summer to put words into a coherent sentence, and every time I tried I deleted the whole lot. Knowing I had better in me. And perhaps not even better? Because I’m not pretending that this is literary genius, or even particularly smart writing. But what I like the most about writing is its honesty. It’s the cathartic nature of being unfiltered in a way that most of us don’t dare to be out loud. It’s figuring myself out, while I tap away on my keyboard. I haven’t figured out yet how to make my writing less like a journal entry. But maybe being real about how I’ve found my summer is actually helpful to one or two of you? Maybe you understand taking a risk and feeling like it didn’t really pan out. Not quite feeling like you’ve failed, because you had too many happy moments this summer to feel ungrateful for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, but deep down you know you suffered at times along the way.
A friend of mine told me that I was somewhere on the change curve between denial and depression. And for a while I thought maybe she was right - maybe I just hadn’t adjusted to the change yet - and that given time it would all start to feel right. While seeing the change curve helped me understand that perhaps I was in a state of denial and anger at the way my summer had turned out, I actually don’t think that more time in that space would shift those feelings to acceptance and integration. Ultimately I learned that as much as I love the countryside (uh hello, I set up a business to give you all greater access to it) I miss the life I’ve created for myself in London where I can walk everywhere, where I know my neighbours, where I have community and where I feel at peace.
I felt disconnected from a support network that I unconsciously rely on more than I realised. I wanted to be back with my core network, who are in touch with my moods and feelings before I even have to say anything. Familiarity is something that people often label as boring or stagnating. But actually, I’ve really come to rate it. To feel safe, to feel seen - you can’t beat it.
Knowing all of this is actually really helpful. Knowing the parts of my life that I miss, the parts of my life that ground me, and perhaps the parts of my life that I took for granted has helped me better understand myself, understand my needs and helped me feel grateful for the things that I often overlooked. I’m returning to my flat and my life in London this week, and I feel so grateful to be coming home. I used to call it my prison, and now I couldn’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be.
Here’s a few things that I’ve been grateful for this summer:
The amazing new friends I met on my travels 👯♀️👯
The generous new and old friends that offered me their spare room for visits to London 🏠
My brother and his wife for providing me with a base, and letting me come and go without judgement 🏡
For having regular work, even if it might have pushed us to capacity this summer 📑
For the new flatmate and friend I found to move back into my place with ☺️
For the mutual friend who connected us ❣️
For being a part of a new creative community, hosted by @the_self_hood designed to help us reconnect with our creativity, create authentically and to foster connection with other creatives 💫
To Luke, who covered for me & didn’t moan about all of the work I left him with in June.
The absolutely… and I mean this, STUNNING countryside location that I’ve been able to explore. Watching the farmers harvest their crops, watching the birds and watching the seasons shift and change the landscape around me. My daily mindfulness walks have been so refreshingly stunning. 💚🌳🍃
Artwork from Ellie Hopley
Written by Monica Innes - 5th September 2024
